What if you fly?

Orthorexia. It's an eating disorder. I used to have it. This is the first time I think I've ever admitted it.

It is defined as the extreme or excessive preoccupation with avoiding foods perceived to be unhealthy.

I called it "clean eating". And I never thought it was unhealthy. All the figure and body building competitors talk about clean eating while they are dieting down before competition. I wanted to look like a competitor, so I assumed that I would have to eat clean, or strictly healthy foods, in order to get my body to look competition good. Did it work? Um...well, yeah. I was able to shed quite a bit of fat. But what could be so unhealthy about eating only healthy nutritious foods like lean proteins and veggies?

Well, for one thing, limiting what I ate made me a pain in the ass to everyone who had to live with me or be around me for any length of time. Because it was always about the food. I had to be prepared all the time, so food dominated my thoughts almost all the time. I was always stressing over what I was going to eat next. Everywhere I went, I took a little cooler of snacks with me in case I would be in a situation where there were no healthy options. I'd usually have some hard boiled eggs, a can of tuna and some home made protein bars. Maybe nuts and seeds. If I was at someone's house, I would most often have to refuse to eat most of what was offered....and then have to try to explain why. Not an easy thing to do when you weigh 110 pounds to try and explain your "diet" restrictions. Had I had actually entered a competition, I would have had a legit excuse.

(please ignore my unmade bed)

I was already so thin, it only made people worry that I was sick. I knew I was thin. But I also knew that they didn't see my naked body in the mirror every day. They didn't see the dimples that I hid so well in my skinny jeans. I didn't want to be "thin", I wanted to be lean and muscular. I didn't want to look skeletal. And I knew that I had to build muscle in order to get that smooth toned look on my legs. That's what I had been trying to achieve for YEARS - to put muscle on my tiny frame. Not an easy task for an ectomorph, let alone a woman!



I was ruining my marriage. My husband thought I looked awful. Old. He told me he preferred soft women. He cared nothing for rock hard abs. He couldn't appreciate all the hard work I went through to get my body into the shape it was in. He hated that I didn't want to eat ice cream. He hated when I talked about lifting weights. He hated my strange eating habits. I had no idea it was affecting him so negatively.

I could not be anywhere with anyone where my weight didn't come up in conversation. My family was always bringing it up. It was frustrating. I felt it was unfair. You wouldn't bring up an overweight person's body in conversation. That wouldn't be ok. So why is it ok when it's the other way around?? An obese person is just as at risk, if not more so, for health problems. It just didn't seem fair. I felt attacked. I felt like everyone else was just jealous.

It wasn't just the eating that concerned people, it was the obsession with fitness and exercise. I remember keeping a calendar in my basement where all my workout equipment is, and I marked every day that I worked out. I once went 8 weeks without missing a single day. Not one rest day. That isn't good.

I guess to everyone else, I just seemed self obsessed. Maybe even sick. But to me, I just wanted to feel good about myself. I wanted to run around the beach with my kids or the public pool without feeling ashamed. I wanted that freedom that my daughters had. I just couldn't let it go. Every time I should have been having fun with them, I was so preoccupied with keeping my body hidden under a wrap or a towel. It's sad looking back.

I finally realized that I probably did indeed have a mild case of orthorexia. Maybe even body dismorphic disorder.

I've gained weight since then. About 15-20 pounds. Because I wanted to save my marriage and make my husband happy, I pretty much gave up on my body goal. I stopped lifting weights, I stopped the restrictive eating. That combined with the stress I was going through helped me put on weight. It's been about 3 years. My marriage has completely changed for the better, but I still struggle with body image. I've tried to be ok with my heavier self because everyone else tells me I look so much healthier. I try to stay positive about it but it's tough knowing that the weight I gained was not "good weight", not muscle. It was fat. I've lost some of it, I honestly would love to lose about 10 more pounds, even though I don't need to. I just can't seem to let the old me go. 

It's hard on the ego to outgrow your jeans. I am still small and fit, especially for my age, but I am not truly happy with my body. I miss my muscular arms. I miss lifting weights. I wonder if I'll ever be good enough for myself. This is what I'm working on. I'm trying to take a more relaxed approach and cut myself some slack. It's taking a while, but I think I'm becoming happier in the process and that is very important. I do have new body goals, but I want to live and have fun with my kids and my husband in the meantime.

This is me now, a little rounder in the face, no more muscle tone in my arms.

(with two of my 3 daughters)

I think that I'm scared to find my true potential. I think that I am scared to fail. I think I should give up. Then, I think of this quote...

"What if I fall? Oh, my darling, but what if you fly?"